


Cardiophobia

by myboovernon



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, Like really minor, Minor Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Slow Build, seungkwan just wants to be loved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-17
Packaged: 2018-10-01 23:58:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10203782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myboovernon/pseuds/myboovernon
Summary: Love is not all fun and games, that is for damn sure. If you came here looking for a sappy romance novel about a couple that was destined to live “happily ever after”, you are currently looking at anything but. That is not what love is. Love is not perfect, that is why they’re not the same word. Perfect, by definition, is as being as good as it can possibly be; desirable, flawless, untainted. This story is quite the opposite. The story of these two boys is full of suppression, being forced in the name of protecting one another to live behind a shell of their own engraved standards. It is full of having to isolate themselves from the world, from their friends and family, even from each other just in order to keep from slipping into the abyss of mental and emotional insanity. Listening to this now, no one finds this “love story” to be desirable to live through. It is obviously flawed, it is in no way as good as it can possibly be, full of taints and cracks and shattered glass. However, that is exactly what this story is, a love story.





	1. How it came to be

In preschool, Hansol had made his first friend. His name was Victor, and his crimson hair bounced off the sunlight almost as much as the moon would reflect the constellations in the sky that were his freckles. His complexion stood as a translucent ivory, his nose always red and dripping from the common disease of being a 4 year old and not knowing better than to keep your hands out of your mouth, it causes icky diseases after all, Hansol. The two would run around the playground, throwing wood chips at each other until the teachers would notice and make them sit out of recess on the bench nearest the building, where they would then make up their own secret language to talk to each other, making bizarre sound effects only the two could understand. The two would run to the corner of the room filled with cozy pillows and fluffy mountains of blankets and cushions before the words “nap time” could even roll off of their teacher’s tongue. Before the boys knew it, the school day was over, and they spent another 20 minutes trying to pry themselves off of their mothers’ grasps as they made small talk, trying to run from the two and go back to their wood chip battle. In the blink of an eye, Hansol’s mother was trying to pry him off of his home, which would no longer be theirs after today; they were moving to Korea. He would no longer see Victor’s crimson hair, or his freckles and ivory skin. He would have no one to have wood chip battles with, no one to laugh at when snot began dripping down his red nose, no one. Hansol made his first friend in preschool, he lost his first friend too. 

In primary school, Hansol developed his first crush. Her name was Sook Joo, and her raven locks jumped up in her signature style of two high ponytails, while her eyes with matching color were always formed into thin slits as she always laughed, exposing her crooked youthful smile. She was a soft ivory, similar to the boy whom he hadn’t seen in ages, what was his name again? The two of them shared the same teacher, solving simple addition equations and learning the complex Korean language, with her giggle bouncing off the whitewashed walls when he would accidentally blurt out a word in English, making his cheeks as red as that nose he faintly remembers. As they grew older and changed teachers, the two didn’t share classes anymore. Hansol didn’t get to hear her giggle as much as he used to, and he didn’t know whether to blame the lack of contact or his heavy improvement in Korean. As primary school came to a close, Sook Joo was just a name that was still etched in a back storage cabinet of his brain, unlike that red haired boy he swore he used to know.

In middle school, Hansol had his first kiss. He doesn’t remember the name of the girl or really anything about her, but he does remember being surrounded by his old friends, sitting in the deadly circle in the school’s courtyard after school hours. He does remember his friends suggesting a game of truth or dare, creating playful banter and giggles that have no walls to bounce off of. He remembers the ratio of people, 6 boys to 2 girls, all sitting legs crossed, silently praying they wouldn’t fall victim to the game of all games. He definitely remembers hearing his name called, and quickly shouting out “Truth!” This is where his memory becomes less foggy. Everyone in the circle began laughing, all except one girl whose cheeks were as red as...hmm... he didn’t know what to compare them to. She had been dared. To kiss Hansol. His memory fogged again, and all he could remember was her leaning in, and then nothing. He felt nothing.

In freshman year of high school, Hansol told his parents that he was gay. Both his mom and his dad were very supportive of him, reassuring him that he was loved and that he always would be. This was no shock to his parents, being as they had secretly been discussing their curiosities since he was twelve, but even said, they showed him care. His sister was supportive as well, but unlike their parents, she was in shock. Never had she ever believed that her brother would like boys just like her! Within 24 hours of him coming out to his family, his sister had already come out to half of his school for him. She told every single one of her friends, and even though in a different school, word got around. Needless to say, Hansol slowly ended up dreading high school. Every day, he’d walk into the now frightening hallways of his own personal safe haven, or at least what it used to be, and the teasing would never stop. Almost his entire grade had built up an army against him, simply for being who he is. School became a chore, a hassle, a _fear_ , and Hansol begged his parents every day to let him stay home, transfer, drop out. His sister didn’t forgive herself for years.

In sophomore year of high school, Hansol had gotten beaten up for the first time. Walking home from school one day, three upperclassmen approached him at all angles, trapping him within a cave of themselves. They grabbed his things, threw them into the street, and Hansol tried to run towards them in fear of them being run over; they were his expensive textbooks, after all. The boys, however, didn’t let him get a mere 5 feet away. As if throwing his things wasn’t enough to satisfy their craving for other’s pain, one grabbed Hansol by the collar of his school uniform and threw him to the ground. The next one held his shoulders down, while the third held his feet down. The boy who threw him down then proceeded to throw punches and kicks all throughout Hansol’s face and abdomen, littering his uniform in dirt and blood. Hansol thrashed and cried underneath the hands of those constricting him, but they were older, stronger, he had no chance. The boys laughed and hollered homophobic slangs as the hits kept coming, until the boy holding his feet swore he was someone coming, and just as fast as they came, they left. Hansol had all but any energy to raise himself from the ground. It took about 20 minutes for someone to come running towards him, asking him too many questions far too quickly about what had happened. All Hansol could do was point to the street, where his books now lay destroyed from the traffic, scattered throughout the busy street.

In junior year of high school, Hansol had transferred to a different school. He wanted nothing to do with his old school, his old life, so he changed everything. His clothes, his hair, his name. He no longer wanted to be Hansol, he wanted to be Vernon, the new student who didn’t have a care in the world, blending him in perfectly with the rest of his classmates. Everyone found Vernon so intriguing; he barely spoke a word, but when he did, he had such a cool and mysterious undertone to his voice and his thoughts, keeping them so simple, yet so complex if you really thought about it. Lots of the students referred to him as a “badass”. Vernon never enjoyed going to school, it was just something he did because he had to, but Vernon enjoyed school more than Hansol, and that’s all that mattered. In fact, by the end of junior year, Vernon got his first girlfriend. Her name was Sook Joo.

In senior year of high school, Vernon had his first break up. It was ugly, full of fighting (never physical, though) and empty promises, leaving Vernon just as emotionless as his junior year. Luckily most of his credits had been filled already, so most of his classes senior year were easy and actually, quite fun. In one of those classes, music theory, Vernon had met Boo Seungkwan. After meeting him, he went home and asked his mom about a boy named “Victor”. His mom almost cried at the thought, and hugged her son into an even bigger embrace than she did the day he came out to her: her son had found another best friend. Seungkwan and Vernon had become inseparable, both inside and outside of school. Seungkwan was over his house when Vernon got his acceptance letter to University, only for him to receive a call less than an hour later that he too had received his acceptance letter. The two celebrated over binge watching movies in Vernon’s room, laughing with each other at all the innuendos and falling asleep on the floor, not even bothering to change out of their school uniforms from being so high on adrenaline from their acceptances.Vernon and Seungkwan were going to go to University together. They were going to be best friends. It was all that the two wanted, until Vernon woke up entwined within Seungkwan’s limbs, feeling his light snores in the crook of his neck and his drooped fingertips on his hip.


	2. Emotionless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize in advance for the short chapter, the next one will be longer!

When Vernon woke up that morning, Hansol came creeping back. When he was Vernon, his character within the name was so strong that the term “gay” was not even a part of his vocabulary. However, feeling the warm pads of Seungkwan’s fingers grazing his hip, all the words came back. Not just gay, but all of the horrible, degrading slurs that came out of those upperclassmens’ mouths started to pound at his brain like a battering ram. Vernon thrashed at his head, trying to suppress the thoughts as far away as possible. Bad idea.

“Good morning Vernon-ie” He heard Seungkwan chuckling at him, thinking he was crazy for swatting at his head like that. Seungkwan assumed it was an itch.

_Not now._ Vernon needed to calm himself down. He bid his friend a good morning, and excused himself to use the bathroom.

 

“God Hansol what the hell is wrong with you today?!” He covered his mouth with both of his hands. There was NO way he just called himself Hansol out loud. Zero chance. He felt the need to thrash at his head again, perching himself on the bathroom sink, sitting on his knees. Splashing cold water onto his face, Hansol..er..Vernon stared into the mirror, as if the mirror were another person, although he wasn’t quite sure who it was.

“Listen, I’m not dealing with any of this weird shit today. Whatever you’re trying to do to mess with my brain, stop it.” He pointed at the mirror. “Seriously, stop it. I’m Vernon Chwe, for crying out loud. All this emotional crap needs to leave, the sooner the better please.” And with that, Vernon flipped off the mirror and went back to his room.

 

“Who were you talking to?” Seungkwan asked, a concerned look plastered to his face. _Remember Vernon, you’re emotionless._

“Why do you have to know everything about my life Seungkwan? It’s not yours after all.” Vernon regretted saying that. Seungkwan looked upset, distraught, hurt. Wait, what was Vernon saying? He didn’t care. _But Hansol did._

“Oh uh haha I just didn’t know if it was the uh - University or anything.” Seungkwan excused himself from the room to use the bathroom as well. A small part of Vernon wondered if he was going to the bathroom to do the same exact thing.


	3. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the longer chapter i promised...damn you hansol.

Seungkwan was in the bathroom for 20 minutes. He came out puffy eyed, his cheeks plastered a crimson that not even Victor’s nose could compare to. Vernon felt a metaphorical knife cut into his chest, seeing his best friend like that made his heart ache. But he would never let Seungkwan know that.

“Breakfast is downstairs.” Vernon practically ran down the stairs so he wouldn’t have to bear to see Seungkwan’s face taking his sweet time to come and eat.

Vernon was already halfway done with his eggs when Seungkwan came down the stairs, even more puffy than before. His mother noticed right away.

“Oh Seungkwan! Is everything alright?” 

“It’s just allergies, Mrs. Chwe.” _bullshit._ “I appreciate the concern though, thank you.” Seungkwan half heartedly smiled at her, leaving her to internally worry as she smiled back. Seungkwan more so played with his food than ate it, scraping the fork against the plate to move the eggs around it, making weird shapes with the small piles of yellow rather than consuming it. His eyes never averted from the plate, afraid that someone, if not everyone at the table was staring at him. _As if he didn’t already know that._ Vernon was the second to notice, his sister nudging him underneath the table and nonchalantly pointing to his plate, still over half full. It was Saturday eggs. Seungkwan had his plate cleared and rushed up for seconds before his mother was even finished cooking the second batch. Vernon felt the strong urge to say something, _anything,_ but he didn’t want to sound soft, Vernon wasn’t a soft person.

“You gonna finish those?” Vernon pointed to Seungkwan’s plate. Seungkwan scooted the plate towards Vernon, who satisfyingly ate the remainder of his friend’s breakfast.

“If you’d excuse me, I have to blow my nose.” Seungkwan stood up from the table and practically ran up the stairs back to the bathroom. _You’ve been in my house enough, Seungkwan. You know there’s a bathroom downstairs too._ That’s when the guilt hit him. His stupid idiotic jockish aura was crumbled down, realizing Seungkwan was not going to blow his nose, but go back to weeping in the bathroom. Although he paid little mind to emotions, he knew Seungkwan had enough to fill up three people, and rather than living up to his jerky expectations, something came over him, and Vernon found himself running up the stairs to check on him.

When Vernon approached the bathroom, he noticed that the door was slightly ajar. A crack of artificial sunlight emerged from the bathroom’s lighting, and sniffling ripped through Vernon’s ears. He slightly pushed the door open, seeing Seungkwan, a teary eyed snot-filled mess sitting on the bathroom sink, feet hanging over the edge swinging back and forth, similar to a pendulum that comes to no end. Seungkwan’s bleached bangs were sticking to his forehead, bitter tears staining his loose t shirt along with the excess fluid from his nose. The sight made Vernon grimace a little, but then the guilt came in another wave, and Vernon ran to his room to grab another shirt for his friend to wear. When he came back to the bathroom, Seungkwan was standing facing the back wall, his back to Vernon’s view. Vernon had a feeling Seungkwan wanted to be alone, but he wanted to make sure he was at least not making a mess of himself anymore.

“Seungkwan, I’m not gonna hug you until you change out of that shirt.” Seungkwan turned around, Vernon eyeing his torso and visibly shuddering at all of the snot clogging up the fabric. This made Seungkwan chuckle just enough for Vernon to notice, making him smile a toothless smile. Seungkwan was not one to normally take his shirt off in front of people, even Vernon, so it took about five minutes of convincing and some slight tickling to finally get Seungkwan’s hands free from guarding himself, Vernon swiftly lifting off his shirt and placing it in the sink. Seungkwan immediately turned his back to Vernon again, not wanting to be seen. Vernon’s fake jerky attitude felt itself bubbling up again, and he made a comment he probably shouldn’t have.

“Oh c’mon you diva, it can’t be _that_ bad!” _Shit, that sounded mean._ Seungkwan slowly turned around, his face in a contorted frown, and Vernon swore time froze. His eyes started at his shoulders, the smooth skin covering them, then traveled down to his collarbones, prominent enough to know they were there. His eyes went lower and lower, examining the warm yet subtle melanin his body radiated, the way his chest was still flush from crying (he thought) and how he could visibly see his entire torso move as he attempted to take heavy breaths with his now congested nose. Vernon didn’t know how long he was staring, but he imagined Seungkwan noticed by the way he quickly turned his back to him again and used his hands to cover himself. Vernon chuckled at the shyness.

“Seungkwan-nie, you’re beautiful. Stop” _There is no way I just said beautiful. Damn you Hansol._ Seungkwan once again turned around, a small smile on his face, yet new fresh tears rolling. Vernon wanted to run, he felt as though calling him such a...serious word was enough affection for the next week. However, something yet again came over Vernon, and he found himself embracing his shirtless friend in the middle of his bathroom. _My parents are probably concerned. _As if he could read minds, his mom emerged outside the hallway, silently watching the moment. Her son had not shown affection to anyone for a very long time; it even took strength out of him to hug his family some days. And here he was, hugging Seungkwan half nude in the bathroom. She chuckled a little and walked back down the stairs, not disturbing their moment.__

__“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings this morning. I was just...out of it, I guess.” Vernon pulled away from the hug and looked at Seungkwan, his face now only stained with dry tears. He got him to stop crying. That was the goal, right? He was done here._ _

__“I’m gonna go finish those eggs, if you wanna come.” And as if a gust of wind carried him away, Vernon was halfway down the stairs ready to reheat the eggs, leaving Seungkwan alone in the bathroom, silently tearing up once again._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just found out im seeing exo next month!!! some of the best news i've ever received, enjoy this longer chapter!


	4. Seclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he tried to feel as how he thought vernon felt: emotionless.

Time went by after that incident where they wouldn’t talk for hours, even days, and neither one of them seemed to mind, at least that’s what they thought considering nobody was trying to initiate conversation. Vernon had thrown any emotion that possessed his body far out the window, while Seungkwan was actually in the very opposite position, even though he acted differently.

Seungkwan sat in his room most hours of the day, barely leaving to eat meals. The less he ate or drank, the less he would have to get up an extra one or two times throughout the day to use the bathroom. His room became his cave, leaving every couple of days to shower or grab some snacks to binge; the definition of an unhealthy lifestyle. Even said, Seungkwan truly did not care. He tried to feel as how he thought Vernon felt: emotionless. That word strung at his heart like a child attempting to play the strings, yet he desired to feel it. He wished he could lose all of his emotions, then he wouldn't be forced into this lovesick hiding; this seclusion. _How could someone just call someone else beautiful and pretend nothing happened? You can’t just throw a term like that out up into space and leave it to float up there!_

Every other day or so, Seungkwan would wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. Normally involving the exact same scenario that happened inside the Chwe household the last time he was there. Actually, that was every nightmare. They would leave Seungkwan in a cold sweat, heaving under his pile of unwashed sheets and blankets, his only source of warmth when he wasn’t clinging himself onto Vernon’s side. He needed to be protected, loved, he needed Vernon; yet Vernon never showed enough care to provide him with any of those things. Even said, he went to him in need.

**2:14 AM - To: Vernon**  
Are you awake?

A wave of silence screamed in the room, leaving Seungkwan to almost drift back into a very uneasy sleep. His phone buzzed.

**2:23 AM - To: Seungkwan**  
Text me in the morning, I’m tired.

The exact same cycle happened for almost 2 weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another short chapter :( to make up for it i'll definitely be updating tomorrow


	5. Smack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reality hit him, hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is pretty angsty ahh ! new character seungcheol comes into play

Seungkwan couldn’t take it anymore. He had no other options. He hated involving other people in his and Vernon’s problems, but he was at a dead end. Slipping into sweats and sneakers, Seungkwan ran out of his house, ignoring his mother standing in the kitchen, mouth agape watching her son leave the house for the first time in what seemed like years.

The second he walked outside, Seungkwan damned himself. _Have I lost that much track of time? Since when was it the middle of July?!_ The heat sweltered his skin and left beads of sweat clinging onto the small hairs of his neck. He paid no attention to it though, he needed help. Practically speed walking for 6 blocks, Seungkwan reached his destination and knocked on the door.

“Seungkwan?” A broader frame shadowed his own. It was Seungcheol, a University student whom Seungkwan had met through their parents being friends. They were extremely close for years, always at each other’s sides despite Seungcheol being a few years older than him, but when Vernon came along...you can complete the puzzle.

“Can I come in?” Before Seungcheol could even get out a “sure” Seungkwan was already inside his kitchen, raiding the fridge. He had been here too many times to count before, he knew where all the best food was. 

“Where are my manners? Are your parents here?” Seungkwan asked. Seungcheol answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

“They’re both on business. They'll be back in a couple of days.” Seungkwan was kinda bummed, he hadn’t seen his parents in ages. He assumed he didn’t really have the right to be upset about it though, he was the one who dropped Seungcheol after he met Ver- _Oh shit. Seungcheol is not gonna want to hear anything about Vernon. Like at all. I left Seungcheol in the dust for him!_ At this point the silence between the two was too long, and the term “awkward silence” had officially been thrown into play. _Just talk to him Seungkwan. You said you needed help, and here’s where you’ve lead yourself. Please at least TRY to use it to your advantage?_

“So um, I’ve having a bit of an issue.” Seungcheol raised an eyebrow.

“You know Vernon right? Well he’s been really-”

“I don’t want to hear about that kid, Seungkwan.” Seungcheol’s eyes were narrowed, his gazed fixed right on his, intimidating him. _Here we go._

“Please Cheol, I just need some advice. I never have to speak of him again if you want me to, just listen until I’m done please?” Seungcheol gave a slight nod of his head, his eyes still narrowed. Seungkwan took a deep breath and closed his eyes, hands feeling as sweaty as his neck was in the hot sun on the way to his destination.

“Okay, so I guess I have more than a friendship with Vernon. The feelings, I mean. I just, oh I don’t know how to explain it. I guess I just feel so safe with him. I wish I was plastered in between his arms because his hold makes me feel secure and like no one can hurt me. I wish his smile was permanent so I could be forever guided by the light of his teeth. I sound so stupid right now don’t I? Oh whatever. I guess I love him. There I said it. I love Vernon Chwe. But he’s just so...cold. He’s stone cold. I’m convinced he’s a robot sometimes I swear! He used to show me so much emotion you know. Used to be so touchy and clingy and craved my attention as much as I do his, but all the sudden, while I was there one morning, everything stopped. The emotion switch was flicked off, I suppose. He just stopped showing me anything but a brick wall, and I ran right into it. I tried to feel equally as emotionless, if you can’t already tell by my appearance but it just made me feel more. I feel like my heart has been split right down the middle, because he is the other half of me. I feel like half the person I am.” Seungkwan opened his eyes. Seungcheol wasn’t there. _God, how long had I been talking?_ He looked over to see Seungcheol at the front door, getting his shoes from the closet and slipping them on.

“Seungcheol? Where are you going?”

“I’m going to kick his ass.”

...

“What?!” Seungcheol was moving his hand towards the doorknob.

“You heard me loud and clear Seungkwan. Don’t play dumb.” _What have I done!_ Seungkwan chased after him as he exited the front door, using all of his speed to get to him before Seungcheol could get into his car and drive away. 

“Yah Seungcheol, I just came for advice! Not for you to hurt him!” The older stopped moving, dead in his tracks. He turned around on his heels, facing the latter. His face was stone.

“So am I just supposed to be your new advice giver when that good for nothing _kid_ decides to fuck something up? I used to be Vernon you know. But the difference? I was good for something. You never went crying to someone like a big fat baby because of me, and you can’t even lie and say you did. But no. Mr. new guy comes along, and you’re a beggar on your knees. You think I don’t deserve to give him a piece of my mind?” Seungkwan froze.

“I..I don’t…” 

“Save it, Seungkwan. Now if you’ll excuse me.” He unlocked his car and opened the driver’s side door, climbing inside. Without thinking, Seungkwan dashed to the door closest to him, the back door behind the driver’s seat, and pried the door open before Seungcheol could unlock it. Seungcheol didn’t seem to care; now he had an audience to watch him. He sped out of his driveway and through streets, only a few blocks from Vernon’s house. Seungkwan panicked, a clear look of distress carved into his face. He was losing options, again. _Again_ without thinking, he climbed into the passenger seat and attempted to grab the wheel out of Seungcheol’s grip to turn the car around. Seungcheol slammed on the breaks, almost sending Seungkwan through the windshield.

“Get out.”

“No, not until you bring your car back home and promise not to hurt him!” _Smack._ The warmth spread across the left side of his face. It wasn’t the type of warmth that he received from Vernon’s body, not even close. This warmth burned through every layer of his skin, spreading throughout his entire body and setting his bones on fire, feeling them slowly disintegrate into ash. His cheek pulsated, but he felt his heart slow down, as if trying to make it stop. He wanted it to stop. He wanted _everything_ to stop. A warm feeling reintroduced itself when tears started to trickle down from his eyes, staining his shirt how the sweat did. But he wasn’t sweating, he was in Seungcheol’s car. Reality hit him, hard. _Smack._

“What are you thinking Seungkwan, huh? You came to me to try and fix your problems, you came to me for the advice you so obviously needed, you worthless baby. I answered you, gave you advice, told you what that Vernon prick deserved, deserves. And now, you decline my advice, my gift to you. I could’ve slammed the door right in your stupid face, y’know that? Trying to come to me like everything was okay after you just abandon me like some stupid kids toy, but I don’t let myself get played anymore. You though? You’re being played like a violin. And I don’t plan on helping you anymore, so don’t you worry about me going to Vernon. You’re giving yourself enough pain and suffering by trying to be a part of his life. You don’t want my help anymore? Then here you go. Now get out of my fucking car before I change my mind and beat the snot out of the hopeless man of your dreams.” Seungkwan didn’t speak, didn’t blink, didn’t breathe as he exited the car, walking the couple of blocks back home slowly, once again soaking in the sun, feeling the sweat along with more fresh tears collect at his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh i know there's been like no happiness in this story so far but i promise the entire story isn't going to be depressing! just be patient things will look up soon enough (but not quite yet)


	6. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if only seungkwan knew.

Seungkwan knocked on Vernon’s door the day after, and by the day after he meant 2 o’clock in the morning. Mrs. Chwe answered the door, yawning and stretching before widening her eyes seeing a disheveled Seungkwan right in front of her, especially after not seeing him for so long.

“Seungkwan my dear, is everything okay?” And with that, Seungkwan turned around attempting to walk away, yet his feet didn’t let him move an inch. _Leave. But I can’t._ He turned back around, tears trickling down his less rounded cheeks.

“Can I please come in?” Mrs. Chwe nodded and held her hand out to welcome him into her home.

 

Seungkwan immediately sat down at the kitchen table, hoping that Vernon’s mother would reciprocate the action. She tried doing the opposite.

“Should I go wake up my son?” Seungkwan froze. His mouth was sealed shut by all of the harmful words he wanted to say that could drown his relationship with Vernon, with this entire family. He felt plastered together like paper mache dolls, having faces and bodies and their own unique details, yet feeling nothing. The dolls had no control over themselves, they were just dolls. Maybe that’s how Vernon saw him. More tears fell, but he snapped out of it once hearing Mrs. Chwe’s footsteps approaching the staircase.

“No” _Yes._ “Can I just speak to you?” _Please let me see him._

__

__The two were sitting at the kitchen table, Seungkwan silently crying as Mrs. Chwe sadly watched, unable to help him in his current situation. She had no idea why he was crying, or why he came to her and not his parents first, unless he had already talked to his parent about it. She did notice some changes in Seungkwan however. His cheeks had lost their pudge and their glow, now just dull patches of skin. His clothes hung loosely on his torso, and he was nowhere near as well kept as he usually was. _But Seungkwan always takes care of himself_ That’s when it hit her; even if he had already gone to his parents for advice, he still came to her after it. Her son was Vernon, Seungkwan’s best friend. _He hasn’t really been over here in a while…__ _

__“Seungkwan?” He looked up from the tear stained table as she grabbed his hand and clasped it with her own. “Say whatever you need to. I won’t tell him.”_ _

__Seungkwan poured his heart out for the second time in just 24 hours, except he started from the beginning in his last year of high school, the first day he laid his eyes upon her son. How he melted, how his world had a new source of energy, of sunshine, and he hadn’t even spoken to the boy yet. He told her how he had formed the strongest bond he had with anybody in his entire life, besides his own mother of course. He told her all about their relationship, how they were completely each other when they were together, no secrets kept, always an open book, because they trusted each other with their lives. _I could argue that one…_ He spoke all about his favorite moments with the younger, how in even just less than a year, he found someone he wanted to always have in his life. Then, he dropped the gay bomb, then, he dropped the entire “yeahsoireallyhavethisgiganticcrushonyoursonanditsnotevenacrushanymoreilovehimireallydoeverysecondiamwithhimmyentireworldisbrightandiwoulddoabsolutelyanythingforhim” speech. As if she hadn’t already caught on. She had known for months, even occasionally trying to talk her son into telling him about his real self, his _hansol_ self, but every time the conversation even slightly came up, he isolated himself from her, for days at a time on occasion. She eventually gave up, and now, sitting here with a broken down Seungkwan, she regrets stopping._ _

__“Seungkwan, have you ever told Vernon any of this?”_ _

__“No. Please do not tell him. I know he wouldn’t...approve of me seeing him this way.” _If only Seungkwan knew.__ _

__

__At around 3:30 in the morning, Mrs. Chwe offered to drive Seungkwan home. As the two exited the home, a small shadow appeared from the top of the steps; Sofia. She had heard everything that was said, every emotion that poured out of Seungkwan’s body. Mentally cursing herself for the trauma she had put her brother through, for the trauma that he still secretly goes through, she walked to the kitchen and grabbed a notepad from one of the drawers, taking a pen out as well. Writing a small note, she tiptoed back upstairs and stood in front of her brother’s room, eyes now filled with tears, some falling onto the note she had written, which spilt some of the ink. _What have I done to you?_ She slipped the note under his door, and walked back to her bed, where slumber wouldn’t reach her again for hours. _ _

___“If only he knew...come to me in the morning.”_ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> hello fellow carats, this is my first ever fanfiction on ao3! being a student, i will try my best to update as quickly as i can, my goal is to update every other day, if not every day. enjoy and please look forward to more


End file.
